You might believe that menopause occurs in one fell swoop with a start and end date, and a couple of discomforting symptoms of menopause along the way. In reality, there are various hoops of menopause that you have to jump through. The early stages of menopause, if occurring before it’s due time, are referred to as early menopause or pre-menopause.

Menopause symptoms arriving on time however, fall under the early stage of menopause called perimenopause. This is followed by the reign of menopause and the rest of your life is lived in it’s post menopausal bliss.

Let’s break this down for the ones already flirting with menopause and sweating your balls off while reading this, and for the ones spying on the menopause symptoms with a long telescope, watching in fascinated horror as the sweaty, hot flushy creature pulls women under.

So who the fuck is this menopausal entity and why does it hate us women ?

Well, menopause is like that bad boy at the bar who entices you with sweet promises of freedom from your periods. He promises you a life that is your own without having a substantial part of it dedicated to keeping track of your leaking, and planning your activities around it. Plus have you seen the costs of those pads and tampons? Oh oh and we also have to pay a fucking tax on them. Because pay inequality was obviously just not enough of a kick in the vagina. Ain’t that just dandy! Anyway, where were we again?

Oh, right! Bad boy menopause symptoms. Yes, he will promise all the things you’ve ever dreamt of. No more staining, no prospects of unexpected snotty kids on the horizon so no birth control, and you can finally indulge in those sexy panties without worrying about your periods claiming them for their own. Like seriously, it’s the equivalent of a dog peeing on you to stake its claim. No more crying at a dog commercial, and having to go through the list of things that might make you irrationally emotional just to finally realise it’s just periods playing mischief with your emotional strings. Yeah, bad boy menopause symptoms promise to rescue you and set you free in period-free bliss.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? Just perfect! A little too perfect maybe?

As you near your 40s, and you’re introduced to middle age wisdom, maybe by a friend who’s already gotten her heart broken by sinfully hot menopause (I mean literally, you can see her boil!), you realise they were all pipe dreams. The true face of menopause looks a whole lot different.

Early Stages Of Menopause

Early Menopause

Early stages of menopause symptoms coming over uninvited are classified as early menopause or premenopause. There are certain natural events that can lead to early menopause symptoms manifesting in your life. They might include removal of your uterus known as hysterectomy, which cause menopause symptoms to appear gradually. In the case of removal of ovaries (Oophorectomy), menopause symptoms appear immediately. Premature ovarian failure, is a symptom of under active or inactive ovaries due to genetics, surgery, or cancer treatments, such as radiation therapy or chemotherapy. Ovarian dysfunction or insufficient follicles cause eggs to mature before their time which cause early menopause symptoms to manifest themselves. 

Stages Of Perimenopause


The years before menopause, when your periods become irregular, and the levels of oestrogen and other hormones in your body begins to drop, are called perimenopause. Perimenopause lasts for 4 years on average, but it can last up to 10 years, varying from person to person. You enter perimenopause in your late 40s with your periods playing hide and seek with you.

Menopause symptoms manifesting themselves during perimenopause might include hot flushes, insomnia, night sweats, changes in your mental wellbeing like irritability and depression, vaginal dryness and urinary issues. Pregnancy is still a possibility during perimenopause so it is recommended to hold on to your condoms and birth control.

Menopause & Post Menopause Stages

Menopause & Post Menopause

Menopause is when you haven’t encountered your periods for at least 12 months, excluding causes such as illness, medication, pregnancy or breastfeeding. Following that, the rest of your life falls under the tag of post menopause, may you rest in peace. Menopause symptoms that have started during perimenopause can manifest themselves during menopause as well along with a number of new symptoms that might continue through to post menopause. Menopause symptoms also cause hormones such as oestrogen to steeply decline, which leaves you prone to developing heart disease, osteopenia and osteoporosis.

Speaking Of Menopause Symptoms, Let’s Take A Look At Some Of These Bitches In Detail

Hot Flushes

You might feel like a thousand tiny torches have been lit inside your body. It could be raining, snowing or sunny, the heat of the hot flush can weather it all and envelop you in it’s burning depths. Menopause symptoms might feel like karma for all the ill you’ve ever done in this world. A customised hell on earth.

Night Sweats

The slow roast of your internal organs is topped of by the waterfall of sweat cascading from every pore in your body. You might wake up in the middle of the night being drenched as if you’ve just run a marathon.
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Hot Flashes - Menopause Symptoms
Menopausal Insomnia Symptoms


Between hot flushes and night sweats, the prospect of sleeping might have been a distant dream in itself. Now you’ve got insomnia in the competition to drive you insane as well. You might look at all the youngsters around, who have the option of sleeping but choose to play video games or be glued to the screen instead; and finally understand the appeal of various forms of torture.

Vaginal Dryness

If you thought you could employ your sweaty insomanic hours to play in the hay, you might want to wait before you kick your snoring partner awake. Your body might not be up for it, even if he might be. Sex can become uncomfortable or painful courtesy of menopause symptoms which can lead to a very frustrating sleep deprived horny you. May you find some solace in your hell.

Mental Agony - Menopause Symptoms

Mental Agony

Menopause symptoms cause your hormones to be in free fall, to land wherever they might want to. It paves the way to depression, irritability and other menopause symptoms like bloating. Being uncomfortable all the time and being socked in the face by a menopause symptom popping up at the most inopportune time can be very frustrating.

Menopause Weight Gain Symptoms

Weight Gain

Ageing loosens you from all sides and make your body bigger so that there is more of you to love. Menopause symptoms add to it by pounds and kgs. Weight gain is the hell we step towards with every passing year. Your age seems to be proportional to the size of your waist. The exercise and diet that has stood the test of time, might shiver at the approaching train of menopause symptoms. So it is important to change your lifestyle to accommodate the uninvited menopause symptoms in your bed.

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Menopause symptoms come in like those really annoying out of town family that might promise to come visit for a few days but it’s been 10 years now and you’re living out of the box in your attic. It does take over all of the stuff that you considered normal. You body, mind and soul now hang dead in the closet named menopause symptoms.

Alright, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you should know that it does not have to be the end of life as you know it. Think of menopause symptoms like an evolution. Starting from the early stages of menopause till postmenopause, you go from being Pikachu to Raichu. Yes, the things that you were familiar with before might not fit anymore (including your favourite pair of jeans), but that does not mean you can’t go buy new ones. A new change of lifestyle is in order. A twist here, a tuck there, and voila! You might fall in love with life anew. 🙂